Fictional Celebrity Jeopardy
by Jedi Alex Colbent
Summary: As if life for veteren gameshow host Alex Trebek wasn't torture enough, the producers of the show come up with a new and inventive way to make his job a living Hell.


**...Yeah, I don't know either. All I can say was that I remember starting this years ago after watching all the SNL Celebrity Jeopardy sketches online and that I decided to do my own spin on it. SIX YEARS later, I finally decided to finish it. Also, since my old computer won't start up anymore for the life of me, I had to post this from my phone and for some reason, I can't find the Miscellaneous category. So there you go, crossover between Sonic and Family Guy is the best I can do.**

 **If this ends up sucking, just know that I have another MUCH BETTER and more coherent fic that's also ready for posting that I'll publish soon.**

 **Disclaimer: Don't own shit.**

 **(Try to) Enjoy!**

The opening title to the game show Jeopardy is shown as it's iconic theme song is played alongside a roaring audience.

The scene cuts to an irritated Alex Trebek whose face looks about ready to pop a vein at any given moment.

"Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy." Trebek announces. "I would like to apologize for any ethnic slurs made before the break and state that the people of NBC have nothing but the utmost respect for the Jewish Community... as well as the Islam. For those of you just tuning in, today's episode is a far different one than our **usual** celebrity charity group, in that thanks to a multiversal- wait, is that even a word?"

A few moments of laughter from the audience is heard whilst Trebek turns his head to the left, presumably receiving information from the set operators that love to see him suffer each day.

"Ahem, as I was saying, thanks to a multiversal teleportation device, we've assembled an ensemble cast of fictional characters that do not exist in **this** universe, but do in **another**. I'd **would** say that it's utter horseshit that we can afford the use of such a marvelous device for contestant searching across the cosmos when this studio can't even afford to give me health insurance, but at this point, I've given up hope for humanity."

More laughter is heard from the audience as the poor host's face contorts into an semi depressed scowl.

"With that said, let's take a look a the scores. In first place, with a **commanding** lead of $1991, the only contestant here that I **do not** wish to strangle, is Sonic the Hedgehog."

A short round of applause erupts as the blue anthropomorphic hedgehog smiles happily while casually waving a few times.

"Thanks, Alex." Sonic says politely. "And I'd also like to go on record that not **everybody** who is a celebrity is as dumb as a sack of bricks."

"There may be hope yet then, Sonic." Trebek says with a small smile, which soon deteriorates when faced towards whom he would be introducing next. "In second place with negative $1384, Patrick Star."

More applause is heard whilst said pink starfish grins like an idiot.

"Thank you! Thank you. I was home schooled by my parents. I owe it all to them!"

Another round of laughter goes off with Trebek simply staring in anger.

"Right. And in third place with an **astounding** negative $3680 is Peter Griffin."

"I would just like to say that the Jews are respo-"

"Ok, ok, thank you, Mr Griffin. We heard you the first time." Trebek interrupts. "And because it's pointless to try and avoid it... Sean Connery is also here."

A roar of thunderous applause is heard as the bearded actor chuckles with delight. "Didn't expect that, did ya, Trebek?"

"When I asked my producers why Mr Connery was here in on the set with his own podium when there are already three contestants and he is not from another universe... **allegedly** , they could not respond because they were laughing their asses off."

"Speaking of asses, I hit a pretty nice one last night, Trebek." Sean says with a suggestive tone. "Three guesses as to who."

With a tired sigh, Trebek responds. "Are all of them "my mother?"

"Good Lord, no! What sort of sick perverted lorry are you?!" Sean exclaims in disgust.

"I- I- I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it like that, I'm so s-"

"AH HAHA! I was kidding, it **WAS** your mother! AHAHAHAHA!"

Trebek simply shakes his head before responding "I should have seen that coming."

"So should she! AHAHA!"

"Ok, let's go to Double Jeopardy."

The seven different categories begin to light up as Trebek soon lists them off.

"The categories are: **Potent Potables** , **Wet Things** , **Countries that end in "Anada** ," **Test IQ: Larson** -This category is where one has to guess the IQ of television writer Mr. M. A. Larson. **Say Anything** \- Simply ring the buzzer and say **any** word, be it a curse, a foreign word, whatever, and you win points.

Peter then rings his buzzer before quickly shouting "Surfing Bird!"

"Mr Griffin, we're not done."

"Oh, oh oh, sorry... "What is" Surfing Bird."

"No, I'm not finished listing the categories!"

"Well, what are ya waiting for? Get a move on, Trebek!"

Trebek raises a finger in response, but elects to avoid further humiliation and continues listing the categories.

"As I was saying, the last two categories ar-"

Trebek is then interrupted by the familiar sound of a buzzer ringing. He turns and sees that Patrick is the culprit.

"Mr. Star, what is it?"

"I have to use the bathroom."

The audience begins to laugh uproariously while Trebek blinks his eyes rapidly and seemingly in a state of bewilderment.

"I- I- don't believe th- you rang the buzzer just to say that you had to use the bathroom?"

"Uhhhh… if I say yes, can I still use it?"

"...Mr. Star, just go already."

"...Right now?"

" **Yes**! Yes, right now!"

"Well, ok then."

Patrick then simply stands still while staring off into space.

"...Wait, what's he doing?" Trebek cautiously asks.

Sonic then turns his head downward at his nearby fellow contestant as do Peter. They both back away from Patrick in disgust while Sean Connery simply points and laughs like an idiot.

"Poor choice of words there, Trebek! Poor with a capital **P**! Get it? AHHAHAHAHAHA!"

Trebek looks on with disgust and frustration evident on his face.

"Can we- can we cut to a-"

A colorbar title is then displayed.

The show then resumes with Trebek facing the camera all while still looking just a furious as before.

"We apologize for that interruption. Our sanitation crew has just finished mopping up near Mr. Star's podium."

"I'm sorry." Patrick says off-screen

"SHUT UP!" Trebek shouts while turning his head. "Now, let's continue with the last two categories. They are: **Soup** and **Movies called The Avengers**. The answer to EVERY one of those questions in that category by the way is "The Avengers." Mr. Hedgehog, you control the board."

"Alright then. How about **Soup** for $400?"

"Very well. And the answer is: **This thick and creamy soup includes shellfish.** "

A buzzer rang immediately after Trebek finishes, but it wasn't from Sonic's podium.

"Let's get this over with." Trebek says to Sean Connery. "Don't tell me: you made something thick and creamy for my mother last night. My boyfriend's good at making something thick and creamy. I bet you know what's thick and creamy, eh Trebek? Were you about to say something like that, Mr. Connery?"

The audience begins to laugh at how Trebek manages to flip the table around what is usually Sean Connery's M.O. during these games.

"Err, no. I was going to just say "What is Clam Chowder."

Trebek once again blinks in a state of shock

"Tha- that's correct."

"Aye, I actually had some Clam Chowder very recently. Nice meal, all natural and hearty. You should try some, laddie."

"Oh, well, I'd love to. Where'd you have it?"

"IN YOUR MOTHER'S BEDROOM LAST NIGHT! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

As the audience laughs alongside Connery, this filthy insult soon leads Peter Griffin to start laughing uncontrollably as well while banging the podium with his closed fist. "Oh, he got you good you old Canadian bastard!"

Patrick simply stands motionless at his podium with a blank look on his face. "I don't get it."

"Good. You don't **want** to." Sonic says annoyed with his gloved hand covering his face.

"Oh, we all know **you** don't want to have it, ya prickly blue Mickey Mouse wanna be! Otherwise, ya wouldn't have kept running away from that Amy girl!"

Sonic's face then contorts with anger "Ok, that's it you filthy-

"Sonic! Sonic, don't! He's not worth! Trust me." Trebek calls to him.

Sonic then takes a deep breath before regaining his composure. "You're right, I'm sorry. Let's just keep playing."

"Unfortunately, Mr. Connery, it is now your board."

"Oh, so it is. I'll take Testicular Son for $400."

The audience once again roars with laughter as the camera shows a shot of the category sign reading "Test I.Q: Larson."

"That's not what it says and you know it!" Trebek shouts to Connery.

"And I bet you've met some testicular sons in your time, eh, Tinkerbell?"

Trebek simply stares off towards the camera as if to show anyone watching how mentally exhausted he was.

"Let's just go with "Movies called The Avengers for $200. And the category is "The Avengers made their ensemble film debut in this movie."

Patrick rings his buzzer

"Patrick Star."

"Uhhhhh.. don't tell me. Don't tell me, don't tell me! DON'T TELL ME! DON'T TELL ME! DON'T TELL ME!"

"Mr. Star, just answer the question!"

"...What was it again?"

The sound of the time's up buzzer sounds.

"You idiot." Trebek says flatly.

Peter Griffin then rings his buzzer.

"Peter Griffin."

"What is Roadhouse."

The incorrect buzzer then rings.

"That's incorrect."

"What did you just say?! I'll kick your friggen ass you son of a-"

Before Peter could take another step closer towards Trebek, a flash of blue is seen right before the obese drunk collapses to the ground.

"Thank you, Mr. Hedgehog." Trebek says kindly.

"No problem. I can handle stupid people, but when they get violent, that's crossing a line." Sonic replies.

"Since Mr. Hedgehog saved me from being attacked and filing a lawsuit against Mr. Griffin, I'm giving him the board."

"Ok, I'll go with Say Anything for $600, Alex."

"Alright. Just say anything and you will be awarded points."

Unfortunately, before the legendarily speedy hedgehog could ring his buzzer, someone else did.

"Mr. Star."

Despite being called to answer, Patrick Star only started off into space whilst a strand of drool hung from his open mouth. He remained this way until the out of time buzzer sounded.

"Dear Lord, why?" Trebek said.

Sean Connery then decided to ring his buzzer.

"Oh, great. Mr. Connery."

Sean then scrunched his eyes and mouth before a loud flatulent noise was produced from behind him. He then started to snicker without saying a word.

"Oh, for the love of God!"

As the audience laughs once again at the childish antics before them, the buzzer signaling the end of Sean's turn run, and no sooner than it did, he began to laugh as well.

Thankfully though, Sonic had decided to put an end to the utter nonsense allowed to continue by ringing his own buzzer.

"Oh, thank Christ. Sonic the Hedgehog.

"I'd like to say that playing every single bad game I've ever starred in seems like a vacation in the Bahamas compared to sharing a room with these idiots."

The correct bell rang in response to what had just been said.

"Correct. And just a question, does that include the god awful online games?" Trebek asks.

"Especially. Once this is all over, how about I treat you to dinner somewhere nice?"

"Well, that'd be fantastic, thank you, So-"

A buzzer then rang as Peter Griffin was once again seen at his podium.

"Mr. Griffin, when did you wake up?"

"Oh, about just in time to hear James Bond f**king ripping ass! AHAHAHAHAHAHA! Give me my money."

"No, Mr. Griffin, Sonic alread-"

Another buzzer sounded off.

"Mr. Connery, what do you want?!"

Another burst of flatulence was made from behind Connery before he again started laughing like a mad man.

"Oh, God, I can smell it this time! Oh, God!" Trebek said covering his nose. "That's it. Let's just end this with Final Jeopardy. And the category is- ya know what? Screw it! You all know I'm not going with it, let's just do "Draw the letter A."

The famous Jeopardy theme began to play as he lights dimmed and everyone began to draw their answers.

"Simply draw the letter A. It can be a capital A. It can be lower case. If you write a word with A in it, you are correct. Please for the love of all things good, don't screw this up."

The theme then ended as Trebek walked towards the first contestant.

"And before I see how you screwed this up, let's see Mr. Hedgehog's answer."

On the board was an A, but drawn in a stylish manner.

"And you drew an A in the style of the logo from The Avengers movie series. Just for that, I'm doubling your already doubled points."

"Thanks, Alex. Hang in there, it's almost over." Sonic said.

Trebek then gave an exasperated sigh. "I know."

Walking towards Patrick Star's podium, he noticed the sea star grinning profusely.

"Mr. Star seems pleased with himself. His answer is…. a drawing of himself."

Sure enough, on the board was a crudely drawn caricature of Patrick with a smiley face.

"I took art lessons from Squidward. He called my art "Too egregious for words."

"I'm surprised he hasn't shot himself yet." Trebek insulted. He then proceeded towards Peter's podium.

"Mr. Griffin answered… every single letter in the alphabet except A. Wow."

"Yeah, and can you believe I never finished High School? Well I showed all them!"

"You are an insult to all things that breathe."

There was only contestant left and Trebek dreaded what he had to show him.

"And finally, the Tenth Circle of Hell himself, Sean Connery wrote…."

But he was surprised to only find his own name.

"Alex Trebek."

"Aye. Honestly, you were the first thing that came to my mind when I thought of the letter. I know I come across like a foul mouthed sailor on this show, but I want you to know laddie that the only reason I do it is so people can have a good laugh and watch this show. I want you to be loved and related to because you're a man who deserves it. You've been hosting this show for over thirty years and when anyone thinks of it, they think of you. I just want that legacy to continue for as long as possible. Alex… you're a good man.

Trebek simply stands there in silence almost as if he is stunned by such a heartfelt speech.

"...Nope, not buying it. Game's over, Sonic wins."

Trebek then proceeds to walk off stage.

"Wait, Alex! I'm serious this time!"

"Yeah, I've heard that line before. C'mon, Sonic. Let's go have dinner."

"I'm serious! I wagered an actual number this time!"

Peter Griffin looks over to Sean's podium.

"Huh. Maybe I **should** have finished High School. Never heard of no number that looked like a drawing of Alex Trebek eating poo."

"Wha, you stupid f**king wanker you!" Sean cursed right before he attempts to strangle Peter. Only to be roundhouse kicked in the face and sent falling behind his podium.

Peter then looks off towards the camera and dramatically says "Roadhouse."

Trebek and Sonic look on in shock and surprise before Trebek speaks up.

"Ok….thank you, Mr. Griffin. I feel like cheering and jumping for joy now. On that note, goodnight everybody!"

Trebek and Sonic walk off stage smiling as Patrick is seen chewing on his buzzer and Peter continues to punch an already unconscious and bleeding Sean Connery. All the while the crowd claps and cheers as the Jeopardy title appears before cutting to black.

 **End of story.**

 **...And that's all I got. Sorry if I wasted your time with this one.**

 _ **JEDIALEXCOLBENT**_


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